Gut Feeling

Dreams are forever and mine took me to the land of opportunities in 1993. At 40, I landed in the United States, the ultimate destination for many. But I had my apprehensions – “Will this work out?” The initial days were one of awe, excitement, home sickness akin to a roller-coaster ride alternating between euphoria and depression. “Was this shift worth after all?” seemed to be the one question that was on my mind on most of the days. However, the new location, job on hand, new friends kept me busy and going. These thoughts came back to haunt me during the week ends. I had left my family back home on the condition that I would take them to the US, should I decide to settle down there permanently.

But after 6 months of stay there, I strongly felt that this was not the country where I would spend the rest of my life. Now, don’t get me wrong. US is a great place and my employer and friends there treated me with lot of respect and courtesy. Nor was there any pressure from back home to return. It was my own gut feeling, which for reasons I could not put my finger on, made my stay there uneasy and wanting to return home. I announced my decision to my Indian friends in the US that at the end my 3 year stay in the US, I would be returning to India. All of them had a hearty laugh and quipped, “Folks who said like this when they arrived in the US, have been here for the past 10 years!” I became a butt of their jokes.

I managed to not only survive, but enjoyed my three year stint in the US. It exposed me to an exciting world with travels across the US, a completely different work ethic than what I was used to and the local team, of which I was part of, was quite awesome. I met some talented individuals and I am in touch with some of them even today though I have not met them for the past 20 years or so. I was their ‘go to man’ in times of personal crisis – being the wise man from the East - so much so, one of them gave me the title “Maharishi!” At the end of the three year period, I made my grand announcement of my intention to return to India. Initially my employer tried to persuade me to stay back, but later they were happy for me for they felt that “home is where is your heart is!” and my heart was certainly in India. Sare Jahaan se Achha, Hindustan Hamara!  My Indian friends in the US and those back home were aghast. “How could anyone do this?” they seemed to be asking as most of the Indian friends were trying to move to the US. I had no rational explanation except that I had a strong urge or a gut feeling that I wanted to get back to India! And I have never regretted that decision ever.  

I settled down in good old Chennai amidst the entire din, noise, pollution, honking and the ubiquitous mosquitoes! I don’t remember, but perhaps I actually sang in the bathroom “all is well with the world!” At times in life, events unfold that catch you unawares. One such event threw us off balance when a usual routine investigation revealed that my wife’s kidneys were failing. As recommended by our family physician, we met this renowned nephrologist in Chennai. He was seated in a large room, quite unusual for a doctor, in one of the leading hospitals in Chennai, perhaps proclaiming his status and stature. He was a balding, stern looking gentleman with thick rimmed spectacles. He was curt, went about his work diligently but was far from being anything remotely cordial. He would not divulge anything to us, not even to my father who was a doctor and brusquely set aside his suggestions to do a biopsy.

My family physician read out the nephrologists’ letter and conveyed the bad news that my wife’s kidneys indeed had failed and would not last for more than 3 years. While the news was on expected lines, the 3 year deadline was scary. The visit to the nephrologist had left me restless with a feeling that this was not the doctor whom I would want to meet again. I could understand his idiosyncrasies and also did not doubt his experience and reputation. But somehow, I was uneasy and felt that we needed to see another nephrologist. My family physician was shocked when I told him this, as the nephrologist was one of the leading doctors not only in India but was well known world over. I politely refused and on repeated insistence, had my way and got introduced to our current nephrologist. He did a biopsy immediately and the earlier diagnosis was way off the mark though the kidneys were indeed failing! The treatment followed and to cut the story short, my wife had a good quality of life for the next 16 years due to the different line of treatment given based on the correct diagnosis before it ultimately failed and she had to go for a transplant. I shudder to think what would have happened had I continued with the earlier nephrologist!  

On both these occasions, my decisions based on pure gut feeling were bang on and are among the few of the best decisions I have ever made. I am not suggesting that you need to make decisions based on such feelings alone, but don’t ignore such strong intuitions. What does science say about such gut feelings? Why is such intuition experienced in the body? Neuroanatomical research has revealed that basal ganglia in the brain are the bases of both implicit learning and intuition. It observes everything we do in life, every situation and extracts decision rules. Our life wisdom on any topic is stored in the basal ganglia. It is so primitive that it has zero connectivity to the verbal cortex. It can’t tell us what it knows in words. It tells us in feelings and has got lot of connectivity to the emotional centres of the brain and the gut. It tells us this is right or this is wrong as a gut feeling.

So, my dear friends, intuitions do matter after all!